Excuse us, World. Just a sec, please! Someone is making a ruckus in the back, and disturbing our groove…again. <lifts the needle off the record, pushes pause on the dual cassette recorder, props feet up on desk crossing a pair of checkered Van slip-ons covered in self-created BIC ink drawings, and tilts the Ray Bans down to the tip of the nose, looking over the rim>
Siiiigh…FOX NEWS, what are you babbling on about now?
I’m sorry, what was that? YOU want US, a generation who lived through our entire youth having things we loved constantly attacked by the “cancel culture” YOU literally spent years help cultivate, and want US to help YOU out, because now it’s backfiring on YOU? Are you aware of who you’re talking to when addressing Generation X….at all? Read the room, dude.
Gen-X is THE generation where nearly everything was threatened with cancellation, and YOU, as a beacon of conservative media and culture, were proudly part of the charge, wore it as a badge, and televised it to the world. With one exception though, you called it “boycotting” back then.
Let’s make a list of some of the things you attempted to “boycott” previously, shall we? You went after Disney because they hired gay people, Madonna because she’s an unapologetic woman, Prince for using the word “masturbating” lyrically, N.W.A. for speaking their truth, and Sinead for protesting pedophiles in the church system (turns out she was right. Apologies?…Anyone? Anyone?).
Also, you assaulted MTV, horror movies, Dungeons & Dragons, Twisted Sister, heavy metal, and The Simpsons, to name a few more. Then you wanted to slap a “Parental Guidance” sticker on everything, and over everyone’s mouths and eyes. (By the way, that only made us love everything you hated even more, and purchase a lot of it.) Do you remember any of that? We absolutely do.
Your request for us to stand up and “save you” is a bit rich, don’t ya think? You even took these complaints to Congress, in hopes of enforcing your “cancellations” using the United States government. Now, you want US, a generation YOU literally tried to CTRL+ALT+DEL , to help cancel the culture YOU spread to millions for decades, because it’s become more obvious that YOU are clearly losing resonance, relevance, and ratings?
Nah, request DENIED. You’re on your own. We don’t have time for that. See, we are extremely busy these days trying to nurture older parents and deprogram your network’s false narratives from their minds, as well as keep a hand tightly gripped to the shirts of siblings and friends who are heading towards the “Q” rabbit hole. On top of that, we’ve got families to raise, mortgages to pay, retirement to save up for, and a table to put food on while navigating a pandemic you repeatedly and consistently deemed a “hoax”, yet has somehow killed over 500,000 Americans in less than a year. That is some hoax, huh?! (Apologies?…Anyone? Anyone?)
So, you can blow a deep breath into your own cartridge to clear the dust you’ve spent decades accumulating. Then, maybe reboot your system. However, from here, it looks like you’ve realized it’s much too late to rebrand, and now you find yourself shamelessly begging for new viewers, from the very generation you sought to cancel, while doubling down on the fear-mongering. Pathetic. Don’t be so desperate to fit in bro. That’s literally playground level “uncool”. We’re not impressed, nor interested.
Now, if you’ll excuse us, we are going to tread through the laughable, literal and ironic, hypocrisy to work out our thoughts and feelings about your very intent appeal, but quite obscene gesture, by creating our mixtape titled F*CK YOU FOX NEWS.
You’d hate this mix so much you’d cancel it. It’s going to contain all ‘the sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, dickheads’ and righteous dudes that you tried so hard to silence, oppress, and toss aside for decades.
A short quote from track 1: “In the Air Tonight” – Phil Collins; Face Value (81)
“Well, if you told me you were drowning
I would not lend a hand
I’ve seen your face before my friend
But I don’t know if you know who I am.
Well, I was there and I saw what you did
I saw it with my two eyes
So you can wipe off that grin
I know where you been
It’s all been a pack of lies”
<Insert the worlds most unarguably BADASS pop drum solo ever>
To sum it up, EAT…OUR…SHORTS.
Sincerely,
Generation X
PS: You can keep Kennedy. She isn’t welcome at our lunch table any more. We always thought she was suspect anyway.
